Just another phase

2007-07-13T13:58:00.001-05:00

For lack of better things

2007-06-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

I'm at work right now twiddling my thumbs... My friend Abby who has been showing me the ropes around here took off of work today to get ready for her wedding coming up this month. Everything I had planned to do today is now done, and I'm not too keen on trying to track down my boss to ask for something to do. Gotta love goverment jobs...

Well, this year has flown by... About 3/4 of my friends have now graduated and I'm not sure what to think about this. I guess it won't hit me until school starts up again and they're not there.

Let's see... events of the past year...

Ashley, the girl I wrote about in an earlier blog accepted Christ in December... and didn't even tell me! We're joining a bible study together for the summer with some kids from Intervarsity.

My roomate got engaged and I will be a bridesmaid! My other roomate is getting engaged VERY soon and she already told me I'd be a bridesmaid... Next year will be one expensive summer, but it's a good thing I'll hopefully have a real job by then.

Ummm... Ashley and I are taking over ASCE as Prez and Vice Prez... hopefully mending all the damage that the last president did to the organization. Steel Bridge took third at Nationals in L.A. and we won 1st place in aesthetics. Woohoo.

Rob and I started a "band." Maybe I've mentioned this in a previous blog... but we officially have three songs and we hope to get atleast a couple more so we can have a set. Playing a show would be absolutely amazing...

And finally, boy drama... Completely unwanted boy drama and unwanted attention. Dumb dumb persistant boys... Apparently avoiding them is interpreted as playing hard-to-get these days and saying you're not interested, means that you are... and all I wanted this year was just to be left alone!

Anyway, I think I'm just going to leave and take the day off...

Not quite right

2007-02-17T20:37:00.000-06:00

I'll probably delete this post... I don't like exposing my vulnerability or telling my sob story.

Well, this isn't exactly a sob story I guess. Just, I haven't been feeling comfortable with where I'm at lately.

Where to start.

Well I guess the thought that emcompasses everything is that I've been feeling really singled out lately. Singled out in all sorts of different ways.

Well let's start with the root form of the word: single.

It's ricidulous how many people are engaged at my age. Both my roomates are happily in relationships. Both are patiently waiting for their boyfriends to pop the question. As for me, I can't see myself getting married for another 4-5 years.

I am contently single... well, that's what I like to tell myself. Tho, it's starting to get old. But who knows, I could be single for the rest of my life if that's what God has planned for me.

It's always a pressing thought on my mind though: Will I ever find someone who I completely connect with, who has the same passion for music and, above all else, loves God so deeply that I would be encouraged by him.

I try to stay confident that such a person does exist, that I only need to be patient, but it's a constant thought and a constant fear that he doesn't.

Moving on to another type of single...

I've been feeling like the way I live my life is unacceptable. I like to think I'm fun and out-going, but apparently if you're not drunk, you're not fun, and if you're still a virgin, it's not by choice.

My friend told me the other day that I need to "lighten up" and I need to allow myself to make mistakes inorder to learn from them. This is a classmate who has the only 4.0 in my major that I know of. It bothers me that a lot of my friends and classmates think I'm uptight. It bothers me that I can't find other people who are like me unless I get involved in a college ministry again.

At the bar after going to the hockey game with ASCE, a guy from the professional chapter noticed I didn't have a beer in my hand and asked if I was under 21. I told him I didn't really drink. He then asked if I had to study really early the next day. Again, I don't drink. This 28 year old man looked at me perplexed.

Granted, I realize I was in a bar, but still, is it so hard to accept??

That's one thing I really miss about highschool. That huge seperation between the "normal people" and the rare "good girl" didn't exist.

I guess I just wish I was more confident in who I am. That I wouldn't let temptation lay a hand on me.

It's funny, cause to everyone on the outside I exude confidence and defiance from the norms of UW-Madison students, but in reality, it's becoming a real struggle to not let it get to me.

Halloween in Madison

2006-10-29T20:08:00.000-06:00

If you don't know about Halloween in Madison, then you've been living under a rock. Just kidding, but really it's like one of the biggest holidays for college students in the entire midwest.

I've managed to avoid it yet again.

My weekend consisted of Rocky Rococco's, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Badger Football game, Mexican food, The Dollar Store, The Departed, Church, Cleaning

Well, we did buy costumes at the dollar store, but it was soooo worth it!

Miss you

2006-10-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

I feel so detached from my friends back home. When I'm here at school I forgot all about the family of friends I left in Milwaukee.

The most important day of my life revolves around these friends. We were just a bunch of dysfunctional teenagers relying on each other, making each other better people.

What's amazing is that when I do go home, I'm treated as if I never left, as if it hasn't been 6 months since I've talked to any of them.

But I guess it seems everyone has moved away from each other in one way or another.

I can't wait for thankgiving...

How the past chews on my shoes, and these memories lick my ears

2006-09-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

It's kind of pathetic how I can find a song to put with any situation...

I don't know why I write blogs. After a couple months I turn back to read what I wrote only to find out how stupid, boastful and nieve I really was. Or am? But I guess that means I'm making progress right?

After a series of unfortunate events, I realized that I needed to make some changes in my life. One of biggest changes involves letting go of the past.
Confession: I have this strange love for nostalgia and dwelling on things and it is having a negative impact on my life.

So last month I threw out anything having to do with past relationships... dried flowers, drawings, cards, etc. I was thinking about how what I did related to being baptized. The difference is that the there will be no resurrection of the past; my stuff will stay submerged in some landfill.

It's been a month since I did that. Not once have I wished I had kept one thing or another, which is good.

And even tho doing this doesn't erase the things that happened, I have a better hope for the future.

"Hi! How are you?"

2006-04-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

Explain to me this one:

You're walking down the street and you see an acquaintance of yours...

"Hey!"
"Hi!"

By this time you've just passed each other. Then comes the all too familiar...

"How are you?"

Yet, we both keep on walking on to our next destinations.

Now, you can answer this question in several ways:

1. "I'm good." And leave it at that.
But if you just say "I'm good" then they might think you're a jerk
for not asking them back. Which leads to answer #2.
2. You say "I'm good," and then turn around and shout back "How are you?"
Because by this time, you're already now 10 feet away going in
opposite directions.
3. You could always stop and have a conversation, but then you'd be late for class.

"I'm good." It's like a reflex. Only after I've said it do I stop and say to myself, am I really feeling "good"? Most times I really am, but other times, I'm really not. But even if that reflex hadn't of kicked in, and I was having a bad day, I still would have said, "I'm good." What is the other person supposed to do when you say , "I feel terrible." Shout back, "Oh that sucks! Feel better!"

I just don't get it. Why not say "hello" and leave it at that?

2006-03-19T11:41:00.000-06:00

I have a friend who is not a Christian. Yet, every Sunday for the past year, she calls and asks ME to go to church because she really wants to go. How amazing. Half the time I wonder if I would have gone regularly had she not been interested in going to church. Crazy how that works. She's truly a blessing and such a wonderful friend. And I love that she's not afraid to ask questions. I know she'll come to know Christ, and my heart is exploding with excitement just thinking about it!

De-punked

2006-03-12T16:38:00.000-06:00

Not a whole lot to report. Spring Break is good and very laid back. Hung out with Rob the day we got back and then went home and cooked dinner with my sis, then went back to Rob's to watch a movie with his sister, Lia. It was a Korean chick flick called My Sassy Girl. I actually liked it.

Rob and Brendan came home during the middle of it and decided to be annoying. Dumb boys...

Saturday I went to see Failure to Launch with Lia and her mom. It was eh. There were funny parts and parts where i was just like uhhhh this is why I hate romantic comedies.

Later on we went to some show in Shorewood. I've decided I've been de-punked. I used to love that scene, and now I feel too old for it. The whole long black hair over the eyes, tight jean, "i'm so emo" scene, that is. Kinda makes me sad... I used to think I'd never tire of it.

The final act was some kid that goes by the name "JuiceBoxxx." He's this tall scrawy white kid who raps... and people love him! And picture 30 white emo/punk kids rapping along with this kid. They knew alllll the words! It was great. He was jumping all over the place and they were jumping on him and everyone loved it. We just stood back and watched the spectacle.

Afterwards, went to Oakland Gyros, which, right after we left I guess there was a big bloody brawl. Hung out at this one kid Casey's house that we met at one of Rob's shows this past summer. I Am the Avalanche was staying with them for a night. When they came after their show at the Rave around 1:00, they smelled soooooo bad! Like beer, smoke, weed and sweat that had fermented for weeks. Do rockstars not take showers? Seriously. That was our queue to leave.

Annnnd here I am... chillin' on a Sunday afternoon. I woke up at 12:00, and stayed in my pjs til three. The one productive thing I've done today was do a load of laundry. Ahhh this is the life! lol.

Messy Kitchens

2006-03-04T11:34:00.000-06:00

Last night was fun. Went to Rob's acoustic competition and then went back to his house to chill. We jammed for a bit; I played guitar, he played drums. My new song sounds a lot more interesting with drums put to it. Then we started writing a song... well more like him making stuff up and I watch, but it was fun.

Ate dinner around 10:00 and I cleaned their kitchen. Let me tell you, boys are gross! There were dishes EVERYWHERE all with stuff that looked like it had been caked on for months. Maybe my house is just lucky. Our kitchen is considered cluttered when there are clean dishes that have been sitting in the dish rack for a couple day!

Ran two miles the other day with Ashley, and then worked out some more. I'm so proud of us! It really helps to have an accountability partner.

Anywho, ciao.

I think dance is a major theme in this blog!

2006-03-02T16:33:00.000-06:00

"Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free..." ~Elizabethtown

I watched Elizabeth town with buddies Alap and Mark last weekend. It was good. It was kinda like an artsy chick flick which is about the only type of chick flick I'll watch. This quote stuck out. The two statements in it seem seperate, yet they make perfect sense together... if that makes sense. I like this quote for many reasons.

1. It is so easy to be consumed by sadness that it's like admitting defeat. Sadness wins because it's so much easier to feel that way than to hold your head high when nothing's going right.

2. I dance alone all the time...shhh! There's something so freeing about getting up and jamming to a favorite song. Yea, so sometimes when you're done you feel stupid cause you're alone... and dancing... but who cares!

3. Sometimes I dance when I'm sad because dancing is one of the ways I feel closest to God.

Ah, good quote!

Why don't pictures ever have credit for who took it??

Heh

2006-03-01T22:54:00.000-06:00

This will be me in about 1 hour... :)

SOOOO FUNNY!

Oi, exams

2006-02-28T23:07:00.000-06:00

I've been saying oi, a lot lately among other words that I really shouldn't say. Exams stink! Had an econ exam two weeks ago, materials exam last week, a computer science exam and business law exam this week and... oh look another econ exam next week! Thank goodness for spring break! This whole not coming home for 16 hours isn't to my liking, but it's what college students do. On another note, this is the company I might work for this summer www.mero.com. I really really really really hope I get the job cause it'd be soooo sweet. Anyway, back to studying business law!

awkward middle-aged men

2006-02-26T14:35:00.000-06:00

Last night the roomie and I went to a ballroom dancing event as part of a requirement for class. Somehow we managed to get Mark and Alap to come with again and no begging and pleading was required this time! I just took off my coat when a man came up and asked me to dance... uhhh it was akward, cause he didn't know how to dance.

After that we went and sat down thinking we could stay the required hour and watch everyone else and then leave. But alas, another man asked, and then another and another and another... and so on, but I'll have to admit, it was fun. Most of the guys there were in the ballroom club and knew what they were doing (I only know the waltz). Luckily, it's easy to learn the basic step and then the guy just leads you to go wherever and do whatever. So there was A LOT of spinning involved! I think I learned the tango, the hustle, the cha cha and some other things that I have no idea! Maggie got lucky and only danced twice. I think her and Mark looked like more a convincing couple than me and Alap. Anyway, looots and loots of amazing dancers, it was really cool to watch them. I swear they all looked choreographed!

I got peer pressured into dying my hair. Now it's auburn! Maggie and Gina died their hair too. It was fun and I think the fumes got to Maggie cause she's been loopy ever since.

"Go to the conference go"

2006-02-21T00:06:00.000-06:00

This past weekend I went with 6 other people to the ASCE Leadership Conference in Houston, TX. I'd been pumped about it for a month already... It was disaster right from the start. First it was snowing like crazy on Thursday in Madison, so the bus ride to Chicago took over an hour longer than usual. When we finally got to the airport, we got our tickets and went up to our gate only to find that our flight has been cancelled and it was the only flight going to Houston that was cancelled. We ran back downstairs to check-in only to find a massive line of people who's flights had been cancelled too. When we finally got to the desk, all the flights had been filled and since there were 7 of us, there was no way we'd get on through stand-by. The lady then told us that all flights were booked for Friday as well. At hearing this, our president broke down into tears. Somehow crying magically made seats appear on the 2:00 flight to Houston on Friday... We stayed at the Quality Inn in Chicago for the night. Everyone worked on their fluids hw besides me and Ann who'd already taken it.

Next day we get to the airport at 12pm only to find out our flight had been delayed another hour. Finally make it to Houston around 7, but we missed the first day of the conference. The others bought 90 cans of beer that night and I watched them drink 25 of them. I also watched the female American snowboarder who messed up big time. Finally fell asleep around 1:45am only be woken up at 4:00am to the sound of people talking at the top of their lungs outside and slamming doors (people were in town for the NBA all-star game and some rapper convention). Next thing we knew it was 6:00am, time to wake up. The 2nd day of the conference (our first) sucked! It was long and boring, but atleast we got to play with K-nex (teamwork builder exercise). Went to this place called Jillian's with my group and some kids from the U of Missouri-Rolla. It's an adult arcade/club. Weirdest place, but I killed some zombies with Matt which was fun. Came back to the hotel and our school invited other schools into the boys' hotel room to drink up those 90 beers plus 50 more that they bought. Meanwhile other complications where occuring which I'll leave out. I stuck around until about 12:30, then snuck out and went to bed. Ashley got a nice picture of me sleeping...

Last day of conference was a good 3.5 hours of speeches then a short nap and heading home. The 12 minute ride to the airport cost us a total of $120... that was ridiculous! Mike's ticket didn't have a seat number on it and we thought we were going to miss our bus back to Madison, but that was the only drama Sunday. All in all the trip sucked. We didn't get to see downtown Houston or really any part of Houston for that matter. The only good part about the trip was that it was with friends that I enjoy spending time with, even when they are drunk :)

Existentialism On Prom Night

2006-02-12T22:30:00.000-06:00

When the sun came up,
We were sleeping in,
Sunk inside our blankets,
Sprawled across the bed,
And we were dreaming,

There are moments when,
When I know it and
The world revolves around us,

And we're keeping it,
Keep it all going,
This delicate balance,
Vulnerable all knowing,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, kill for this

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would....

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything.

~Straylight Run

2006-02-10T12:49:00.000-06:00

It's so difficult to fathom that God knows what's best for me and that I really haven't a clue. I look back on the times when, if I had just trusted Him, things wouldn't have been so difficult to deal with. The thought that all I have to do is put my faith in Him is so very comforting, and yet I can never bring myself to do it. Sometimes I get so impatient that ultimately, I forget who has control over my life and take matters into my own hands with usually not so good results.

I miss my family a lot. There's something that changed this year that brought me so much closer to them. I used to talk to my mom like once every two weeks and now we talk about 3 times a week. I don't talk to my dad as often, but when he e-mails me about how anxious he is for me to come home and hear about what I've been up to and that he loves me, my heart wells up with joy and I feel like Daddy's little girl. And my sister, she's turning into a beautiful young woman. It's incredible to watch her grow. They're coming to visit tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited!

Tried out for Jesus Christ Superstar and made it. I haven't done a musical since 8th grade, so it should be fun and I'll get to make 40 new friends, lol.

Have Hope

2006-02-09T16:32:00.000-06:00

"Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all"
~Dashboard Confessional

YUM

2006-02-06T23:12:00.000-06:00

This picture makes me laugh and want to vomit at the same time. I tell ya, even though he turned 20 today he eats like a 5 year old (okay, so he put sauce all over he face on purpose). Good times...

God Bless the Broken Road

2006-02-05T15:59:00.000-06:00

Looove that song! Yestderday I volunteered to do security for the Rascall Flats concert as part of fundraising for SWE (Society of Women Engineers). I thought, hey I'll get to see a free show! Boy was a wrong. Note to self: Never take tickets at the vestibules at the end of the gates... I took tickets for an hour before the other ticket takers started to get assigned to different posts in the Kohl Center watching the concert (or keeping the fans in line... but really just watching the concert). So I asked the bag checker who was with me when we got to go in and he goes, "We don't, we'll be here all night." What?!?! So this bag checker, our supervisor and I stood at the gate taking tickets from the very few late comers for practically the whole concert... I was so mad! Luckily, from where I was standing outside, I could hear the entire show and my supervisor let me take a couple breaks to watch. It was quite the spectacle, like no concert I've ever been to, so that made it kind of worth it. Probably won't do it ever again though.

Went to the last home wrestling meet of the season today after church. They honored the seniors and all their parents were there which was nice. Tommy didn't even get to wrestle though, which bites! He said it was cause the other guy was afraid... lol. I don't know the real reason, but it bites none the less.

(The picture's from last week)

Super Bowl today means funny commercials and yummy food courtesy of my lovely roomate Maggie Palzewicz. She makes the best food.
Toodles

Frankenstein?!

2006-02-04T01:28:00.000-06:00

It was a good show, for lots of reasons, but definitely not because the other acts were good.

Tutus, ballet shoes and stars...

2006-02-03T11:48:00.000-06:00

Okay. So I'm slightly obsessed with black and white pictures with color accents. I LOVE it. Unfortunately, I didn't take this picture. I put it up because it involves two of my favorite hobbies. That is, dance and photography. I wish I had a nicer camera and I really wish the person who was supposed to lead Worship Arts Team this year hadn't flaked out on us. Ah, it makes me sad thinking about it. Oh well.

Testing the water

2006-02-02T14:38:00.000-06:00

I'm hesitant to begin one of these again... Reasons being that I tend to where my heart on my sleeve. My fear is that everything I'm feeling will spill onto this page causing me to hurt my friends or seem like I'm looking for sympathy when life gets tough or that I'll use it as a device to brag to everyone when life gets exciting. As soon as that happens, this blog will cease to exist.

So I decided to make one of these again for many reasons. One is because it's hard to keep in touch with everyone that I would like to. It's just not possible to be kept up to date with the goings on in my friends lives and to keep them up to date on mine. I came across the blogs of my friends from my old church back home and it was just so nice to be able to read about what they're doing and how they've grown. Their thoughts inspire me... Another reason is that often times I come across a quote or song lyrics or a picture that I just love and want to share with everyone.

Who knows, this could just be another one of my many phases... I might just get tired of it after a while, we'll see